Holding stars in your palms

In the crystal darkness by the river side

I saw you standing and so I tried to hide.

Lonely, with your hands open towards

the sky so clear like a real piece of art.

As the moon reflected on the river top

I gracefully watched you, couldn’t stop.

You shined with peace as all the stars

from above all gathered in your palms.

You were holding light gracious as ever

 then you smiled , i won’t forget, never.

So i walked close to fall in love with you

and closed my eyes as i sae you did too.

You held my hand, kissed me just in case

 i’d disappear so you kept me in embrace.

Your voice was like a melody saying to me

 Now we can be whatever we want to be.

You kept a star and gave me another one

our destiny joint before the moment’s gone.

In hope and pure love i lived that night

but times has passed and nothing’s right.

The light is gone, and the heart is empty

you’re not to find and tears are plenty.

So i went back one last time to the river

just to find that there’s no more glitter.

In the haunting darkness of the river side

I saw you standing and i didn’t try to hide.

You stood with her lifting your hands high

to the sky, forgotten me in this lonely  cry.

And then you looked deep into my eye.

holding the stars in your hands saying bye.

But don’t forget that you’re holding starts in your palms!

Looking for some peace

Lately you feel too much down. But you can't help it. This place started to be your hiding place from the depression around you, from the things people feel. You wanted to make them see the advices you give, now it turned to be hell's gate. And again you come to spread your sparkling pain.

The castel you built up, so easily, so full of hope, with pure passion now is falling appart. Easily but really quickly. And leaves your heart an open sore. And you love to watch that picture. The picture of the fading life. The picture of your own deep unclearness.
The castel used to be a place where you belongt. That's past of course. Now you're all down , deep digged in the path of darkness. And for everyone's strange eyes you seem to enjoy it like hell. You enjoy every moment of pure sanity, of perfect pain.

The pain as always just runs trough your vains. You slowly try to do everything to wash away your thoughts. They seem far from your head. now you don't want to change miracously all your life. You get selfish deep down and you just want to kill your heart even more. If we talk about pain.. let it be just wonderful, crimson and passionate.

It's like self harm. And as long as you feel deadly afraid of cutting, hurting or suicide you just make you fall to pieces. These pieces will only be put together when the sun is going to burn again. So equal to nothing.
Music is playing in your mind on and on... each song you hear kind of kills a little part of you. Some for not having something , others for having it. Deep inside your wounded heart. Emotionally attached to pain. What a pleasure. To make all darkness come around and collect all your fears. To wipe away all your blood. To make you see the falling. You only love to make yourself feel all the misery. When you start to feel the effect you feel horrible.

The effect is amazing. You’re in affinity with the dark, mysterious loneliness. With the master of hurts, the PAIN. Oh, now you feel like killing everything around even more. And you can do it. Cause no one can see you. No one ever cares. So why would things be different ever.

You feel like enjoying your own torture. Now that you harmed your life so hard you feel proud. Sad but true, cause there is nothing you could be proud of.You can’t stop the hurt. Like blood is running trough all your body, from the fingers to the toes. The warm crystal tears run down again. OH, how you love them. The salty taste of them, the clear which they bring by washing away all the fog from your eyes. The deep nothingness along you. The lonely life painted with broken hearts.

And you’re all alone. As always. And even if you feel like this, you still need a way out. But you don’t speak out. You just leave it that way. You just want it all to end. You got fed up. And I see, I see your heart, soul, and pain. And you feel like screaming, and tears come to your eyes cause you can’t get out a sound. You suffer all alone in the silence my angel. The angel of purity and innocence who fallen in mud.

If anyone could come and wash away your pain. If they could clear all your sins away ... they’d make you perfect and beautiful. Candles burn slowly, they are waiting for you to kill them. But you still stay there and silently die near them.

In a way i understand why you kill yourself so much inside. I understand how is to make yourself bleed in order to feel something. To feel so down, under the hell’s gates just not to feel numb.

You’re afraid of loosing yourself. Darling wake up from the nightmare. You already did loose yourself. Please say you can do it. But you just hang there all alone... dieing.. and you don’t feel like ever waking up.

Shrivelling Rose

Cold blood is running trough your veins. Totally opposite of the passionate warm almost burning pain you feel. How can two so deep things be so different from each other. You say it’s unfair. Darling you are right. This life , which is painted by watercolours and was washed away. And still remained around you the darkness of your soul. The black of the darkness surrounded the lights and now swallowed them all. Of course , you wonder how was that possible. You seem to get even more confused. You know what, that’s the point of it. Explaining something which should help, just makes you even more fallen in the land of nowhere.

But let’s see forward. Let’s draw the lines of the shining pain of your life. You look in the mirror. What you see it’s damn scary. A ghost with broken soul. And sadly no matter how hard you try you still couldn’t learn to fly with your golden broken wings. And you struggle , struggle with each memory lane, with each subconscious thought . Your mind is driving you crazy. You can’t step out of the world of your depressing mind.

You slowly start to hear a melody , calming sound from far. But it’s like an endless circle. It starts over and over again. The calming sound as you wait turns to loud bothering drum beating. Well, believe it or not, that’s your cold blood’s sound while beating in you half dead , half alive heart. The beating gets louder and louder, your heart is so beating so hard that it almost jumps out of your chest.

You can hardly breath. Again, this bright night is different then the others, but you can’t help feeling like this. You fall even more down each time you try to catch my hand. I shout your name, and get no answer. Just a matter of time till I hear your tearjearking scream. You really are falling and you can’t reduce speed. I finally hear as your heavy dark tears hit the ground. It’s so scary to see you that way.

You probably wonder what I think now. But to be honest I know everything. I see and feel what you feel, I hear your thoughts in my ears, my head is blowing up from just looking at you. And you , you’re still alive having all those breathtaking memories, outstanding cries.

You can’t see me, I’m your guardian angle’s soul’s shadow. I collect your tears , turn them to diamonds, and keep them for the day when I can sell them and buy happiness of their price. I’m so sober when I see you this way, but I fly around you, I keep you in my wings. If you fall down I’ll always stay on the edge of your heart telling you there is still life, even when the dark smoke is going down on you. He sent me to protect you, and I shall never give up on you. I love you. You’re my shrivelling flower and i’m going to turn you to my crimson clothed rose.

Perfection of falling down

It seemed to be an ok evening after a lot of mess behind you. Nothing seemed to crash your optimism. But suddelnly as you look around, as you see the people, as you listen to the voices, suddenly you get to the point to realize that you're all alone in a crowd of strangers. People you once knew today seem to be you're farest aquaintances, maybe people you never actually saw, just heared about them, things which might be true, but might be also fals.


You see a sea of pale faces, narrow word streets comming torwards you, but you can't let them in, you can't pay attention, you can't think of any of them, you can't listen, you can't even see :some strangers might be talking. The only thing you feel that the deep blue loneliness seems to get darker and darker in your eyes. Next moment you feel the river is comming to run wet, you feel that the tears of the passionate pain which you feel inside suddenly come to run down on your cheeks.


You don't need to fear.. no one is going to notice it, they never did, why would they now? But your ironic shyness is not on your side, it never was . You start to feel afraid, unsafely anxious. You want to escape from this world of illusions, fake people and never mentioned realities. You can't decide what to do, you're turning crimson red , still not noticed by anyone. Everything is fading into darkness around you, the lights turn down, but just before your wet eyes, you can barely take the picture in front of them, you have to close them, you can't help your strong reaction of closing them. But that won't help, you just come to realize that reality overcomes you even more : You're living a lie.


You're so angry, you don't know if you want to be noticed or not, you just want to feel better but it seems equal to impossible. You can't help being more and more afraid. The dark of the loneliness and mess around you makes you wnat to hide, makes you want to run away nowhere but far from your toughts and feelings. Emotions which seem to be killed for ages, but still have passionate effect on you present moments.


You start to feel hilarious... How the hell nobody, but nobody can't see the pain inside you, the sorrow in your eyes, the marks of shame on your face? Is that so hidden, or are you so insignificant? Can't they just look at you only for a second?
You get frustrated... you don't want to look at them anymore, they are just gosths from the road to hell which you were guided on. Even worse , they are dead gosths ... you are one of those people they have to guide... GUIDE? They do nothing, they make you struggle in the middle of nowhere, wanting to hit you with hidden words, untold secrets . They make you fail between the known and the unknown, there's no way back, no way forward.


You start to feel like you're fading away, you ran out, you slam the door behind you with the hars tought of never openning it again. As you get out you start to swallow the air. The smell of wet , cold night seems to give you some peace between your toughts of pain. Maybe in this moment the painfull toughts run trough your body and mark each part of it.


You feel ok ,' cause you're out of the fake reality.. but you can't stop your barin's work. It gives you memories about your loneliness, about your beautiful struggle.. about the the glorious emptiness you feel inside. You are bleeding.. but no one can see it.. crying overcomes you the same harmonic way as it used to.
You don't believe in anything right now.. neither in your dreams, nor in you. You as person , you're the best friend and the biggest enemy of yourself.
You just wonder lonely as a cloud, and you feel like dieing, when the grey clouds crash into each other they burst.. you're such a shame that you burst alone.. and give the neverendless rain.


You'd like to feel nothing. Funny that you're empty all nside, but you hate how much you can feel. And the worst thing ever, which kills your soul, breakes your black wings is that you wander all LONELY.


Sitting down at the edge of something much too deep makes you see that nothing can kill your soul, it is already killed. And the angel of white lands won't ever reach your hand..you are not angry anymore.. the crimson blood of your emotions has been flowing away.. down the deep nothingness inside of you.


Now you just love to stare at the perfect teardrops from your dark eyes, which seem to have no voice at all when crashing with the deepness.


Everything feels the same, so does you.. right now you feel exhausted to run away.. you just wait for something to happen but nothing will broke the deep, suffocating dark of the night.. loneliness is on your side

In my darkest hours

"To Where The Skies Are Blue" by Deadlock, album Wolves.



lyric:
Sun goes down once again
While I sit here and feel the tears
Running down my cheeks
No I am not afraid of the dark
But the darker it gets
The more I realize
That there is no one to depend on
No one to believe in

And so I wait to die here all alone (all alone)
Like the daylight dies while it is fading away (fading away)
Because nobody knows for sure that the sun will burn
Through that cold night once more
Through that cold night once more

To where the skies are blue

So I pray for someone
To come and make my life seem like
It's still worth livin' it
So I pray for you to come

And so I wait to die here all alone (all alone)
Like the daylight dies while it is fading away (fading away)
Because nobody knows for sure that the sun will burn
Through that cold night once more
Through that cold night once more

But still the hardest things to say
Are the words that I mean the most
Come on angel, say that you
Love me and nothing in this
World will ever scare me again
Take me to where the skies are blue, always blue, always blue

And so I wait to die here all alone
Like the daylight dies while it is fading away
Because nobody knows for sure that the sun will burn
Through that cold night once more

The main idea of the song is not suicide.. but waiting till the end.. till death...
it's sad because even if death comes when you're 70 you'll still be alone..
'take me to where the skies are blue'- is a wonderful song , about real , true feelings of lonely people.. of people who can't take loneliness easy.. for those you have no one to depend on
music can be a great consolation and can help each of us express our hidden feelings .

Beauty of sadness

I sit here in silence. Everything seems so peaceful, nothing seems to disturb my deep loneliness. My tears run down fast on my cheeks, they taste salty. There is no sound.. just the crash of my tear drops on the floor. Soon it turns to be a small splash. It's like a rain in which you are all alone, the streets are empty, there isn't a soul, everything feels like time stopped. I start to see why i feel, i close my eyes, and my heart and soul reflects me a picture. Picture of my inner world. Picture of this crimson pain. Pain which can't be seen from outside.. but it can be surely felt from inside. It's night, the big Moon is giving me light, it's guiding me in this place of broken dreams. I start to wander on my heart's narrow streets. It's a long cubbled street..and it seems endless. It is empty, lonely. The coulds are covering the sky above me, and they wash away all the sunshine. This place seems peaceful. How can't it be?! It is so empty. I finally see a corner, as i trun this corner i notice that the rain is not fast anymore, in fact real slow. The corner shows me finally a house. A small one, as I pass by I look in, what I see? Better wouldn't even look in.. i see a family, driffted apart. A mom with cries in her eyes. A dad full of anger, and a daughter full of sadness hiden all inside. I just wonder what they might feel.. and slowly realize that i passed in the small house of my soul dedicated to my family. I wonder what made me change this town so much. There was a time when it was a cool place, with sunny streets and houses with flower gardens and people.. all cheerful and noisy. Now.. that things changed so much, my town feels like dieing. It's lost, and the silence just kills me even more. I pass away near the house and while the rain starts to fall again fast i can barely see in what direction i'm going. I wander for ages till i get to see a girl and a man. They seem to be ok, they walk near each other, i come from back. When they hear my footsteps they turn to me, i see tears in her eyes, and the man looks emotionless. The girl passes near me.. without even saying bye she leaves and they choose different ways. The girl runs away, the man goes to meet a woman, he seems to feel so ok. I go after the girl and ask her who was the person , she only replies my dad disappointed me. I feel embrased. I wish i could help her, help her go away from this place. I wander and wander but there seems to be no way out. Endless road.. in the world of nowhere. I find the key, i come out and lock the door. My tears turned to a big splash. I feel scared, scared of life and scared of death. I saw life and i saw the road to hell. And all that inside me. Inside the most clear and innocent place of a body. I feel like falling, everything around me is loosing their shape, i feel afraid of tomorrow, of the next day..but i feel afraid of this emptiness.I feel that it's inside. I want to scream, but no matter how hard i try i can't be heared. My aquintances are passing by and they don't even notice i'm suffering.. But slowly i feel peace.. peace enough to sleep.. slowly i fall asleep.. and then i finally feel ok, my dreams lead me to a wonderland, where i can feel love, care ,understanding and joy...things i don't have in reality. Beauty of sadness.. the long walk in my soul, the pain inside.. I'm falling apart