Holding stars in your palms

In the crystal darkness by the river side

I saw you standing and so I tried to hide.

Lonely, with your hands open towards

the sky so clear like a real piece of art.

As the moon reflected on the river top

I gracefully watched you, couldn’t stop.

You shined with peace as all the stars

from above all gathered in your palms.

You were holding light gracious as ever

 then you smiled , i won’t forget, never.

So i walked close to fall in love with you

and closed my eyes as i sae you did too.

You held my hand, kissed me just in case

 i’d disappear so you kept me in embrace.

Your voice was like a melody saying to me

 Now we can be whatever we want to be.

You kept a star and gave me another one

our destiny joint before the moment’s gone.

In hope and pure love i lived that night

but times has passed and nothing’s right.

The light is gone, and the heart is empty

you’re not to find and tears are plenty.

So i went back one last time to the river

just to find that there’s no more glitter.

In the haunting darkness of the river side

I saw you standing and i didn’t try to hide.

You stood with her lifting your hands high

to the sky, forgotten me in this lonely  cry.

And then you looked deep into my eye.

holding the stars in your hands saying bye.

But don’t forget that you’re holding starts in your palms!

Cause he is the light tonight

My emotions fly on wing’s of timeless time

dispersing soundless confessions of mine.

At midnight at shadow of crescent moon,

my secret words come out of their cocoon,

leading me into this fearless dreamy mime...

as i think of him cause he is the light tonight.

My soul starts dancing to slow harp melody

lifting me gracious when around is nobody.

At this moment of true wonder and sparkle ,

in my heart rebirths a small sentiment parcel,

covering my eyes in blithe losing track of agony...

as i think of  him cause he is the light tonight.

Twinkling of stars illuminates the sky around,

dead roses of love turn to red on the ground.

In time of darkness my feelings turn lyrical, 

in harmony  happens a long overdue miracle,

i see my angle to realise i’ve been finally found...

as i think of him cause he is the light tonight.

Painless longing disappears suddenly in the air,

when vanilla fragrance spreads around my hair.

The crystal tears from my face slowly fade away,

while i’m taken by hand and  kept from astray,

walking side by side with my desire’s angel in care...

as i think of him cause he is the light tonight.

Uncertainity

Gloomy, hurting sight within the depth of my feelings and trust,

When love that’s felt and cherished it turns to dust 

And my concealing cry tortures me and tears me simply apart...

So trembling and gracious like it seems some kind of art.

Love inside feels to be remains of all that’s left and lost its shine.

They might falter...and so what cause they are nothing but all mine!

Also my misery shows that the impression of truth is just unkind...

And the magic is present and the beauty makes me taste the blind.

I keep hiding from the voice that is my shattered broken heart’s,

When my soul is yearning more to release emotions of all kinds .

Deep inside I wish to make you hear everything through heart unsaid...

With all the flowing crystal pearls on my cheek that keep me sad.

If only

If only I had the power to turn the wrong to right

If only i could hold you tight

If only my love would have been enough

If only this world was not so tough

If only your heart was able to give you a sign

If only you could still meet mine

If only you would care to change your mind

If only i could leave it all behind

If only my dreams would conquer you in time

If only i could ever see your smile

If only i had wings to fly

If only you could hear my cry

If only you would say i love you one more time

If only i could be  your one and only perfect one

If only it would still be fine

If only it could have never fell apart

Homecoming

So there you are again..with all the things you wanted still flying away in front of your eyes. You've got a pay a high price for everything..though even if you pay a high price you never really get anything. 

Tears might make your eyes misty but you can still see clearly what exactly is inside of that thing called soul.

You wish you could scream, you wish you could shout, yell..or maybe just throw up so all the baggage you feel inside can be thrown out from your body. 

But it's not like you could get rid of it that easily..it's not like you can cut the bound. The affinity with pain was a treaty you signed long ago, it's like hotel california, you can never leave..unless..you gather strength and choose death. And after all you've been through i can understand how much you want it to happen, how much you wait for that making "everything easier" thing to just kick in..but you are weak enough to just waste away alive.

Let me tell you who you are ..you feel lost in the depth of your inner world...no one knows what is torturing you inside..you longed for small things..small things for the material world and huge ones for the world of the heart. You've never got them..why would you? You should see that your silver marked path was always made especially for you with round abouts of good things. You knew the beauty existed but you never ever got the chance to touch it cause you were supposed to go round and round in the same sparkling misery. And yet you tried to touch and touch the center of the spot and get beauty, but it all vanished away too soon, and it burned you like the read fire flames. 

 You don't have those little miracles now either..You were so naive and so innocent..I loved laughing at you when you said that things can only get better after all you've been through..I was having so much fun while you realised that things are getting worse and worse. But now you kind of took away my fun..you now see that it can always get worse and you just expect it patiently and acceptingly to happen.You don't have those flourishing hopes anymore..I loved when they were taken away..
  

You wonder if you asked for too much..if you wanted something special. Well everything you wanted seemed to be so pure, so true..simple things like love, care, affection, hugs..those things which never existed for you. Now you struggle to find out if they are too much to ask for? Apparently your penalty for life is loneliness and living a gorgeous lonely life.  And yes you always have to send alone..you wonder why? come on don't be pathetic..it's you after all..who said you deserve any good in life? Yes you craved so much for this, but after all craving is just selfish..right? What did you do wrong? Ironic..nothing..but it's not the point..you have to face this. 

 You keep complaining about the people around you..that they grew you up and never showed any care or affection..oh God do you listen to yourself..you could cry two thousands of rivers and people would still pass you by.  

And yeah last time i saw you having hug was when you hugged someone months ago holding a paper on which it was written free hugs. And yeah i saw your tears then..cause maybe for a slight second you stopped going around you felt care..How strange is my dear to hug a stranger and start crying of being cared for ..if even just for a fraction of a second? 

Oh yeah my sweetheart..people come and go, they take advantage and leave, they might even consider you funny for being there..but that's life and yeah I saw that's one thing you're willing to accept..but you still crave for one single person to be there for you, to be interested in the damages you've done, in how and even who you really are? You think that will ever happen? Cause if yes i might get some fun again just as last time..it was hilarious to see you unable to breath and with a different kind of pain inside. Wow..you actually payed such a high price for all the time you left me.. but yeah you are all mine now..so keep silent. 

I love your room ..so cold and so dark..it suits your soul so perfectly..darkness of emotional pain, and struggle inside. What a perfect combination for tonight. So welcome home my only one..

You're always truly friend Loneliness 

Ode to pain

Oh passionate pain take me away


Strangle me in your glamorous way

Take my soul in your grace it vanishes anyway

Lead me, I know you won't betray 

Oh passionate pain take me away

Laugh at my face when I start to get pale 

Hurt me I know you want to play

Lead me wrong in this new born day

Oh passionate pain take me away

Twist me around push me to the edge of fail

 Make me crumble and astray

Lead me till I loose all my faith .

Oh passionate pain take me away

Wrap me till I’m  numb and plain

I can see my blood on your nails

Lead me, I start to feel how it was again.

Oh passionate pain take me away

Love me more and leave me less   
  

Light  my life with lonely 

Lead me, take me, make me flyaway!

This poem is about wanting to feel something..because the worst is when you don't feel anything..you even take pain..just to be able to FEEL 

Slow death of your hopes

It’s so easy for you  to break down. Maybe easier than ever. It’s something special yet so heart breaking. Flowing like a river in your  veins the pain just tortures you.

Wasting all the moments you live wondering of bittersweet memories, looking for insecure future. Not giving a damn about the present yet having to face all it’s emotions.

You wish for a saviour..but you have to admit that saviours do not exist. Nor do miracles. And It’s even harder to go on without having small illusions as hopes.

You don’t make any sense..you don’t make sense to yourself, how could you make sense to anyone else?  

All alone in the nothingness inside, you can’t get out of the misery. You feel like you can’t take the tears 

anymore. You want just a little help. But you can’t ask for it. You face everything alone trying too hide or run away from the glittering tears, from the dark paths of loneliness, from the outstanding beauty of fears.

You got to a point. Everything bothers you and everything scares you. You find it hard to go out on the street, you’re afraid of tomorrow’s happenings and mostly of the broken dreams you may try to chase.

You’re world is built up of illusions. And yet you can’t and you don’t even want to stop following them. You’re waiting for a heavenly help..instead you get damn disappointments.

You just want to escape, have a loving arm around you. No you’re not looking for anything special. Just for the feeling of being loved and safe. Which can be so far from you.

You want to wander alone on the dark streets at night. To let your tears out as the stars shine on your cracked face. The Moon guides you and the stars comfort you. Without a sound they give you some peace. Maybe just because human power or human emotions can’t harm them. They are safe.

You wish you could stay on one of them. Looking down from above watching the never ending play in front of your eyes. Rushing people, led by emotions, instincts , false believes.  

The only way out which you see is hiding yourself or running away. You wish you jumped on the first train and went as far as possible from this pain, from the stunning brightness of your inner damage.

But you never did , and you’re not at all patient . You want this to end.

No one understands you, and there is no one to whom to turn to. Nothing is possible but everything can get broken in seconds of time.

Wondering why you can control your life is so depressing. Depressing thoughts, emotions, feelings, dreams...and nothing certain.

You want to feel love, pure and innocent love. The care and the affection. That someone wants you. Someone is close to you whenever you need. You want to be selfish and finally get someone who actually gives a damn about you and it’s willing to finally pass out from the row of those who just take advantage of you.

Pain can be so easy. Breaking down easier. Pain is like a drug. Is its way of being. It guides you all the way through. Makes you want more of it. Wants you have more tears. Makes you human. And actually you feel like belonging near pain. There is no other way. You just feel thankful for having a place in life. Pain is your all time friend. Brought you a lot more friends...such as loneliness, depression,  insecurity, fears, anxiety and so on. All of a baggage.

Your confusion is so hard to take. Crawling in the middle of nowhere...looking at streets, places like you never saw them..actually you saw them thousands of times.

Someone should save you my dear. You don’t stop praying yet you get no answer. You just want to finally experience how is to have as your friend Happiness...

Tears and tears running but how much time do they have ?

Beauty of sadness

I sit here in silence. Everything seems so peaceful, nothing seems to disturb my deep loneliness. My tears run down fast on my cheeks, they taste salty. There is no sound.. just the crash of my tear drops on the floor. Soon it turns to be a small splash. It's like a rain in which you are all alone, the streets are empty, there isn't a soul, everything feels like time stopped. I start to see why i feel, i close my eyes, and my heart and soul reflects me a picture. Picture of my inner world. Picture of this crimson pain. Pain which can't be seen from outside.. but it can be surely felt from inside. It's night, the big Moon is giving me light, it's guiding me in this place of broken dreams. I start to wander on my heart's narrow streets. It's a long cubbled street..and it seems endless. It is empty, lonely. The coulds are covering the sky above me, and they wash away all the sunshine. This place seems peaceful. How can't it be?! It is so empty. I finally see a corner, as i trun this corner i notice that the rain is not fast anymore, in fact real slow. The corner shows me finally a house. A small one, as I pass by I look in, what I see? Better wouldn't even look in.. i see a family, driffted apart. A mom with cries in her eyes. A dad full of anger, and a daughter full of sadness hiden all inside. I just wonder what they might feel.. and slowly realize that i passed in the small house of my soul dedicated to my family. I wonder what made me change this town so much. There was a time when it was a cool place, with sunny streets and houses with flower gardens and people.. all cheerful and noisy. Now.. that things changed so much, my town feels like dieing. It's lost, and the silence just kills me even more. I pass away near the house and while the rain starts to fall again fast i can barely see in what direction i'm going. I wander for ages till i get to see a girl and a man. They seem to be ok, they walk near each other, i come from back. When they hear my footsteps they turn to me, i see tears in her eyes, and the man looks emotionless. The girl passes near me.. without even saying bye she leaves and they choose different ways. The girl runs away, the man goes to meet a woman, he seems to feel so ok. I go after the girl and ask her who was the person , she only replies my dad disappointed me. I feel embrased. I wish i could help her, help her go away from this place. I wander and wander but there seems to be no way out. Endless road.. in the world of nowhere. I find the key, i come out and lock the door. My tears turned to a big splash. I feel scared, scared of life and scared of death. I saw life and i saw the road to hell. And all that inside me. Inside the most clear and innocent place of a body. I feel like falling, everything around me is loosing their shape, i feel afraid of tomorrow, of the next day..but i feel afraid of this emptiness.I feel that it's inside. I want to scream, but no matter how hard i try i can't be heared. My aquintances are passing by and they don't even notice i'm suffering.. But slowly i feel peace.. peace enough to sleep.. slowly i fall asleep.. and then i finally feel ok, my dreams lead me to a wonderland, where i can feel love, care ,understanding and joy...things i don't have in reality. Beauty of sadness.. the long walk in my soul, the pain inside.. I'm falling apart