Uncertainity

Gloomy, hurting sight within the depth of my feelings and trust,

When love that’s felt and cherished it turns to dust 

And my concealing cry tortures me and tears me simply apart...

So trembling and gracious like it seems some kind of art.

Love inside feels to be remains of all that’s left and lost its shine.

They might falter...and so what cause they are nothing but all mine!

Also my misery shows that the impression of truth is just unkind...

And the magic is present and the beauty makes me taste the blind.

I keep hiding from the voice that is my shattered broken heart’s,

When my soul is yearning more to release emotions of all kinds .

Deep inside I wish to make you hear everything through heart unsaid...

With all the flowing crystal pearls on my cheek that keep me sad.

If only

If only I had the power to turn the wrong to right

If only i could hold you tight

If only my love would have been enough

If only this world was not so tough

If only your heart was able to give you a sign

If only you could still meet mine

If only you would care to change your mind

If only i could leave it all behind

If only my dreams would conquer you in time

If only i could ever see your smile

If only i had wings to fly

If only you could hear my cry

If only you would say i love you one more time

If only i could be  your one and only perfect one

If only it would still be fine

If only it could have never fell apart

Homecoming

So there you are again..with all the things you wanted still flying away in front of your eyes. You've got a pay a high price for everything..though even if you pay a high price you never really get anything. 

Tears might make your eyes misty but you can still see clearly what exactly is inside of that thing called soul.

You wish you could scream, you wish you could shout, yell..or maybe just throw up so all the baggage you feel inside can be thrown out from your body. 

But it's not like you could get rid of it that easily..it's not like you can cut the bound. The affinity with pain was a treaty you signed long ago, it's like hotel california, you can never leave..unless..you gather strength and choose death. And after all you've been through i can understand how much you want it to happen, how much you wait for that making "everything easier" thing to just kick in..but you are weak enough to just waste away alive.

Let me tell you who you are ..you feel lost in the depth of your inner world...no one knows what is torturing you inside..you longed for small things..small things for the material world and huge ones for the world of the heart. You've never got them..why would you? You should see that your silver marked path was always made especially for you with round abouts of good things. You knew the beauty existed but you never ever got the chance to touch it cause you were supposed to go round and round in the same sparkling misery. And yet you tried to touch and touch the center of the spot and get beauty, but it all vanished away too soon, and it burned you like the read fire flames. 

 You don't have those little miracles now either..You were so naive and so innocent..I loved laughing at you when you said that things can only get better after all you've been through..I was having so much fun while you realised that things are getting worse and worse. But now you kind of took away my fun..you now see that it can always get worse and you just expect it patiently and acceptingly to happen.You don't have those flourishing hopes anymore..I loved when they were taken away..
  

You wonder if you asked for too much..if you wanted something special. Well everything you wanted seemed to be so pure, so true..simple things like love, care, affection, hugs..those things which never existed for you. Now you struggle to find out if they are too much to ask for? Apparently your penalty for life is loneliness and living a gorgeous lonely life.  And yes you always have to send alone..you wonder why? come on don't be pathetic..it's you after all..who said you deserve any good in life? Yes you craved so much for this, but after all craving is just selfish..right? What did you do wrong? Ironic..nothing..but it's not the point..you have to face this. 

 You keep complaining about the people around you..that they grew you up and never showed any care or affection..oh God do you listen to yourself..you could cry two thousands of rivers and people would still pass you by.  

And yeah last time i saw you having hug was when you hugged someone months ago holding a paper on which it was written free hugs. And yeah i saw your tears then..cause maybe for a slight second you stopped going around you felt care..How strange is my dear to hug a stranger and start crying of being cared for ..if even just for a fraction of a second? 

Oh yeah my sweetheart..people come and go, they take advantage and leave, they might even consider you funny for being there..but that's life and yeah I saw that's one thing you're willing to accept..but you still crave for one single person to be there for you, to be interested in the damages you've done, in how and even who you really are? You think that will ever happen? Cause if yes i might get some fun again just as last time..it was hilarious to see you unable to breath and with a different kind of pain inside. Wow..you actually payed such a high price for all the time you left me.. but yeah you are all mine now..so keep silent. 

I love your room ..so cold and so dark..it suits your soul so perfectly..darkness of emotional pain, and struggle inside. What a perfect combination for tonight. So welcome home my only one..

You're always truly friend Loneliness 

Dreaming of the night

Gazing through the deep dark night

Peaceful, serene and blind

Walking on from star to star

Glancing at each glimpse of light

Wonderful and magical sight

Wandering soft for life to find

Staring on at velvet skies

Sparkling flashes before your eyes

Dancing round and only round

Blinking smile to the scene around

Lifted up by awesome bound

Running gorgeous high for ground

Holding on to what was found

Touch of reminiscence on every flower

Flying on from night to dawn

On the wings of imagination

Far away in a magic light Leaving behind sound and sight

Close your eyes let me guide Follow me in the melody of the night

Spread your wings… and learn to fly

On angels loving side In a place so pure and right 

Wandering from dark to  lovely height  Glancing at each glimpse of light

Please… spread your wings out tonight

Dwell in lovely  frame of mind let yourself lose track of time

Find yourself in my own heart Leave your misery all behind

Spread your wings… I hold you tight

Love me now true and blind break away from  grief inside

Let touch of love close to heart The only art that takes you high

And you spread your wings… and finally fly.

   

 

Fall to wonderland with fairies on your side

Look and gaze at the gorgeous sky
Silent tension leave you by
Peace and love may guide
Perfectly on your way to fly
Fall to wonderland with fairies on your side

Forget the day has been unkind
Dreams to colour all your mind
Listening to this clear vivid night
Wondrous yet true and blind
Fall to wonderland with fairies on your side

Close your lucid weary eyes
Wandering to a lovely gorgeous sight
May solace guard your glimpse tonight
Mingling under velvet skies
Fall to wonderland with fairies on your side

Lay your head in sweet dream's lap
Sleep my little child
May my wish just conquer you
Right before you close your eyes
Fall to wonderland with fairies on your side.

Ode to pain

Oh passionate pain take me away


Strangle me in your glamorous way

Take my soul in your grace it vanishes anyway

Lead me, I know you won't betray 

Oh passionate pain take me away

Laugh at my face when I start to get pale 

Hurt me I know you want to play

Lead me wrong in this new born day

Oh passionate pain take me away

Twist me around push me to the edge of fail

 Make me crumble and astray

Lead me till I loose all my faith .

Oh passionate pain take me away

Wrap me till I’m  numb and plain

I can see my blood on your nails

Lead me, I start to feel how it was again.

Oh passionate pain take me away

Love me more and leave me less   
  

Light  my life with lonely 

Lead me, take me, make me flyaway!

This poem is about wanting to feel something..because the worst is when you don't feel anything..you even take pain..just to be able to FEEL 

Slow death of your hopes

It’s so easy for you  to break down. Maybe easier than ever. It’s something special yet so heart breaking. Flowing like a river in your  veins the pain just tortures you.

Wasting all the moments you live wondering of bittersweet memories, looking for insecure future. Not giving a damn about the present yet having to face all it’s emotions.

You wish for a saviour..but you have to admit that saviours do not exist. Nor do miracles. And It’s even harder to go on without having small illusions as hopes.

You don’t make any sense..you don’t make sense to yourself, how could you make sense to anyone else?  

All alone in the nothingness inside, you can’t get out of the misery. You feel like you can’t take the tears 

anymore. You want just a little help. But you can’t ask for it. You face everything alone trying too hide or run away from the glittering tears, from the dark paths of loneliness, from the outstanding beauty of fears.

You got to a point. Everything bothers you and everything scares you. You find it hard to go out on the street, you’re afraid of tomorrow’s happenings and mostly of the broken dreams you may try to chase.

You’re world is built up of illusions. And yet you can’t and you don’t even want to stop following them. You’re waiting for a heavenly help..instead you get damn disappointments.

You just want to escape, have a loving arm around you. No you’re not looking for anything special. Just for the feeling of being loved and safe. Which can be so far from you.

You want to wander alone on the dark streets at night. To let your tears out as the stars shine on your cracked face. The Moon guides you and the stars comfort you. Without a sound they give you some peace. Maybe just because human power or human emotions can’t harm them. They are safe.

You wish you could stay on one of them. Looking down from above watching the never ending play in front of your eyes. Rushing people, led by emotions, instincts , false believes.  

The only way out which you see is hiding yourself or running away. You wish you jumped on the first train and went as far as possible from this pain, from the stunning brightness of your inner damage.

But you never did , and you’re not at all patient . You want this to end.

No one understands you, and there is no one to whom to turn to. Nothing is possible but everything can get broken in seconds of time.

Wondering why you can control your life is so depressing. Depressing thoughts, emotions, feelings, dreams...and nothing certain.

You want to feel love, pure and innocent love. The care and the affection. That someone wants you. Someone is close to you whenever you need. You want to be selfish and finally get someone who actually gives a damn about you and it’s willing to finally pass out from the row of those who just take advantage of you.

Pain can be so easy. Breaking down easier. Pain is like a drug. Is its way of being. It guides you all the way through. Makes you want more of it. Wants you have more tears. Makes you human. And actually you feel like belonging near pain. There is no other way. You just feel thankful for having a place in life. Pain is your all time friend. Brought you a lot more friends...such as loneliness, depression,  insecurity, fears, anxiety and so on. All of a baggage.

Your confusion is so hard to take. Crawling in the middle of nowhere...looking at streets, places like you never saw them..actually you saw them thousands of times.

Someone should save you my dear. You don’t stop praying yet you get no answer. You just want to finally experience how is to have as your friend Happiness...

Tears and tears running but how much time do they have ?

The art of not belonging

It's already a pleasure the  experience of not belonging at all. How is that possible? Actually quite simple, you just don't fit. And yet everyone feels it but no one talks about it, if not they don't talk about the contrary of it either. You're alone, that was know till now as well, but the fact that your place in this world is not given was a mistery. 

But today,now and forever I'll enlighten you about the fact, you have no place. No place near no human being, no place in a friendship, no place in a family, no place in a community, no place in a county, country, society. You don't belong. 

Why would you? Or how could you? You're a loner, you know the perfection of falling down, you know the beauty of sadness, the pain of the rising sun, and actually all the missery connected to your gorgeous lonely life. 

You wake up alone to see the wide light which hurts deep inside while all you want to do is to hide under your blanket. But your bed hates you, and throws you down. You crawl in the narrow streets of your vivid thoughts. 

How can someone belong with so many fears deep inside? Struggling with the words, ideas, steps.You live your life with so much fear. You are afraid to tell your own opinion and you're afraid to see your friends while you love them. The art of not belonging taught you how to keep yourself away from everyone. Just saying 'they are all better off without me'. Maybe because your afraid of them missunderstandig you, or maybe you just feel like you drag them down with yourself. 

No one will notice that you need a helping hand, no one will care, no one will give attention, no one will love. Simply because you do not fit in. You can't fit in anywhere. You may chase your precious dream of running away, mostly from your problems but why would that make any difference? You won't belong.. neither here, nor in an other country. You won't be understood. You can't control it. You're just charged to live your life as a one type- spice. 

Tears and tears over and over again till you find your great peace in sleep. But you always wake up to the nightmare. Life changed its style. It tortures you day time and leaves you with beauty dreams nightly. Does that mean anything? Anyways you don't make sense. If you count well you probably have a lot more psychological illnesses then you think. 

Breaking down is always the easiest way. It's a real shame, but it's cool. You wonder if it makes any sense to change or to try? For whom or for what? No one would loose sleep if you won't be here tomorrow. They'd just loose some fights which they held with you. Big loss anyways. 

 You hate this world. You hate everything and everyone. You're screaming inside, screaming at your best friend, confessing love to a guy who won't ever feel anything for you, crying to yourself. Because you can't belong and this tore you awesomely apart. You want to be part of something, important for someone. 

You never wanted fame, never wanted popularity nor sameness. But now all your wish is to be just as everyone else. You want true love, you want friends, you want discussions, you want family, you want care, hope, help, You want to talk freely without thinking what others think. Just to be a simple person who DOES belong. 

Why is that important? Well try for just a few days how is when you struggle when being around people, try crying every day, try to hate the sunset, try to feel down when you suppose to have fun, try to hide deep inside all that's inside of you, try to be lonely. And i bet you understand what i might try to say. 

Pictures roll in front of you. Circles around your eyes. Hurts, it hurts all your eyes, because the make up which you put on just flew into your eyes when the tears started running. The emotions vanish away. Your pain is just the same. You're tired. tired of all the hurt inside. Yet you can't tell anyone. Maybe you don't even understand yourself. You're confused. You feel so lost and empty . How could you belong ?

Smiling Illusions

Fantasy, the loving art of crippled images which show up to be illusions of everyday life. Starts as a thought and turns to be a tearjerking, soul killing movie. And yet everything is the same. You don't move, you don't say, you only live it and feel it.

And slowly these emotion rays try to shine across your life. You start  the fantasy, you turn on the light.

Suddenly the crimson pain vanishes away in his crystal blue eyes. The perfection of beauty standing right before you. This perfection reflects out from the home of his personality; from his heart and soul.

You can't help the feeling, you need it. It get's almost unberable to just look at his gentle presence. Suddenly you want his hands on your shoulders. The moment when he touches you gets into history. A shaking memory. Your skin is filled with blood, your breath stops for a second and you get in an euphoric state, just staying unmoved.

As he steps closer, your frozen blood seems to blow up your veins, runs like a hot flow in them. You want more, you get more. He comes really close, stays as human perfection, as angel of love right in front of you. The sparkling eyes stare deep into your windows of loneliness. His breath spreads peace all over you. His scent lovely touches your nose, the magic of the fragrance is misterious. You feel like on an other world. You are no longer yourself. You are lead by the warming way of your emotions. His voice...he whispers some lightly amazing words. As is flows in your ears it seems like a slow heavy metal song. It leads you, leads you closer, right in his caring and safe hug. that's such an amazing moment. You totally turn to be vulnerable, you loose control. He knows you, by just touching you feels how small, how innocent and loveless sweet girl you are. Without asking for permission, without talking, he uses the language of the heart. You just put your head on his shoulder, you can hear the clinging sound of your crashing crystal earring. That moment is purity, that moment is fragile. As you feel him close enough, you grab him with both your hands and just start raining. The warm, salty tears run down on your child scared face like diamonds.He feels the harmony between the two of you. darkness falls on the two of you when electricity wents out. The light of the Moon shines on your faces. The water bubble shines as crashing to his back from your face. You feel blessed and loved truly. Not wanted for sex, not taken advantage of. He gently moves your hand down from his back. Takes them in his soft palm. Your fingers cross his. You start to smile, your eyes show a deep path. He stares deep into them as he did before. Put on of your hands on his hip, then slowly moves his hand in your hair. Your soft, curly hair wawes to your shoulder.

In silent tension your waiting for his next miracle. This chain of patient and love is what heals your open sore: loneliness. He walks away a little. You feel desperate, like you'd loose him forever. He takes a CD. Turns on the song: Skillet: Whispers in the dark.  You feel like loosing track. He comes back with secure small steps. Kisses you, easily, teaching and calm. You feel so nervous, the butterflies from your stomach want to fly out. You really fall into his safe arms. The gentle touches, the warm hugs, the melodic voice, the caring heart is almost unbelievable.

Whispers lead your moves. darkness still surrounds you, the music entertains your soul. He sees how sleepy you are. Takes you close to the sofa, without asking : you lay down, put your head on the puffy soft pillow. he kisses your head, touches your neck, starts to move his hands down on your pale skin. You slowly fall asleep, when you're almost asleep he turns off the laptop, puts on you the blancket and looks at his innocent sleeping angel. He can't get out of the magic of the view. Guards his angel's sleep all night making sure she's loved and safe.

Too bad you still wonder where he's emotions, actions and face vanished away. Reality took him from you, and now you feel like loosing part of your soul. You're again alone, as always.

Each daydream, each illusion, each scent, each melodic sound of your images kill you a little abd a little inside.

Innocence of breaking down

Dear, I see you stading all alone in the middle of a huge crowd. They all look at you, but neither of them is able to support you for more then 5 minutes. After listening to your painful tears they leave in hurry. Maybe because of this hetic lifestyle, but most probably because they think you are wothless..

They just pas away. You're crying, you're a small child who lost her momy, and misses her a lot. You're all alone and no one loves you. You're so small, they are so huge besides you, then go on and on around you each day. Circles never end. You just stay there...wondering will even anyone help you, will someone take you home? Will someone give you your lost happiness. Well the sky turns grey, then darkness falls around you, no matter how the weather is, no matter if the birds sing or not, no matter if people buy newspapers you still stay the same. And you're missery only incrases all around you. After a while you realize that momy never was there for you. You never had a hug , a heart to heart talk. Never had anyone on your side. So that's how you know what responsability is and how to be mature, too mature for your age when others are holding their teddis, find their kinder garden sweethearts.
Everything turn to grey when you look trough your tears. People around you.. they all pass away, hurry for something, loose all dreams, loose their lifes, become trendy and that's how they become as all the others around them. Without any care for others.

Could someone give you back your little teddy, could someone just hug you for once, just to feel loved and feel that life can be better, cause you're not alone. A siimple hug instead of judgement, aa simple kiss on your cheeks instead of making you loose all self confidence. You're so insecure, feeling insignificant, and still hoping.. for a better tomorrow which shall never show up.

My child you shall go to sleep by now, let the cold of night weep away all your tears, let you seem like a perfect, lovely sleeping angel. Let the pain turn to blessing trough your dreams. And dream of love, care and hope which marks your trail in life.

What kind of love - Avantasia

just a song

Looking for some peace

Lately you feel too much down. But you can't help it. This place started to be your hiding place from the depression around you, from the things people feel. You wanted to make them see the advices you give, now it turned to be hell's gate. And again you come to spread your sparkling pain.

The castel you built up, so easily, so full of hope, with pure passion now is falling appart. Easily but really quickly. And leaves your heart an open sore. And you love to watch that picture. The picture of the fading life. The picture of your own deep unclearness.
The castel used to be a place where you belongt. That's past of course. Now you're all down , deep digged in the path of darkness. And for everyone's strange eyes you seem to enjoy it like hell. You enjoy every moment of pure sanity, of perfect pain.

The pain as always just runs trough your vains. You slowly try to do everything to wash away your thoughts. They seem far from your head. now you don't want to change miracously all your life. You get selfish deep down and you just want to kill your heart even more. If we talk about pain.. let it be just wonderful, crimson and passionate.

It's like self harm. And as long as you feel deadly afraid of cutting, hurting or suicide you just make you fall to pieces. These pieces will only be put together when the sun is going to burn again. So equal to nothing.
Music is playing in your mind on and on... each song you hear kind of kills a little part of you. Some for not having something , others for having it. Deep inside your wounded heart. Emotionally attached to pain. What a pleasure. To make all darkness come around and collect all your fears. To wipe away all your blood. To make you see the falling. You only love to make yourself feel all the misery. When you start to feel the effect you feel horrible.

The effect is amazing. You’re in affinity with the dark, mysterious loneliness. With the master of hurts, the PAIN. Oh, now you feel like killing everything around even more. And you can do it. Cause no one can see you. No one ever cares. So why would things be different ever.

You feel like enjoying your own torture. Now that you harmed your life so hard you feel proud. Sad but true, cause there is nothing you could be proud of.You can’t stop the hurt. Like blood is running trough all your body, from the fingers to the toes. The warm crystal tears run down again. OH, how you love them. The salty taste of them, the clear which they bring by washing away all the fog from your eyes. The deep nothingness along you. The lonely life painted with broken hearts.

And you’re all alone. As always. And even if you feel like this, you still need a way out. But you don’t speak out. You just leave it that way. You just want it all to end. You got fed up. And I see, I see your heart, soul, and pain. And you feel like screaming, and tears come to your eyes cause you can’t get out a sound. You suffer all alone in the silence my angel. The angel of purity and innocence who fallen in mud.

If anyone could come and wash away your pain. If they could clear all your sins away ... they’d make you perfect and beautiful. Candles burn slowly, they are waiting for you to kill them. But you still stay there and silently die near them.

In a way i understand why you kill yourself so much inside. I understand how is to make yourself bleed in order to feel something. To feel so down, under the hell’s gates just not to feel numb.

You’re afraid of loosing yourself. Darling wake up from the nightmare. You already did loose yourself. Please say you can do it. But you just hang there all alone... dieing.. and you don’t feel like ever waking up.

Shrivelling Rose

Cold blood is running trough your veins. Totally opposite of the passionate warm almost burning pain you feel. How can two so deep things be so different from each other. You say it’s unfair. Darling you are right. This life , which is painted by watercolours and was washed away. And still remained around you the darkness of your soul. The black of the darkness surrounded the lights and now swallowed them all. Of course , you wonder how was that possible. You seem to get even more confused. You know what, that’s the point of it. Explaining something which should help, just makes you even more fallen in the land of nowhere.

But let’s see forward. Let’s draw the lines of the shining pain of your life. You look in the mirror. What you see it’s damn scary. A ghost with broken soul. And sadly no matter how hard you try you still couldn’t learn to fly with your golden broken wings. And you struggle , struggle with each memory lane, with each subconscious thought . Your mind is driving you crazy. You can’t step out of the world of your depressing mind.

You slowly start to hear a melody , calming sound from far. But it’s like an endless circle. It starts over and over again. The calming sound as you wait turns to loud bothering drum beating. Well, believe it or not, that’s your cold blood’s sound while beating in you half dead , half alive heart. The beating gets louder and louder, your heart is so beating so hard that it almost jumps out of your chest.

You can hardly breath. Again, this bright night is different then the others, but you can’t help feeling like this. You fall even more down each time you try to catch my hand. I shout your name, and get no answer. Just a matter of time till I hear your tearjearking scream. You really are falling and you can’t reduce speed. I finally hear as your heavy dark tears hit the ground. It’s so scary to see you that way.

You probably wonder what I think now. But to be honest I know everything. I see and feel what you feel, I hear your thoughts in my ears, my head is blowing up from just looking at you. And you , you’re still alive having all those breathtaking memories, outstanding cries.

You can’t see me, I’m your guardian angle’s soul’s shadow. I collect your tears , turn them to diamonds, and keep them for the day when I can sell them and buy happiness of their price. I’m so sober when I see you this way, but I fly around you, I keep you in my wings. If you fall down I’ll always stay on the edge of your heart telling you there is still life, even when the dark smoke is going down on you. He sent me to protect you, and I shall never give up on you. I love you. You’re my shrivelling flower and i’m going to turn you to my crimson clothed rose.