The art of not belonging

It's already a pleasure the  experience of not belonging at all. How is that possible? Actually quite simple, you just don't fit. And yet everyone feels it but no one talks about it, if not they don't talk about the contrary of it either. You're alone, that was know till now as well, but the fact that your place in this world is not given was a mistery. 

But today,now and forever I'll enlighten you about the fact, you have no place. No place near no human being, no place in a friendship, no place in a family, no place in a community, no place in a county, country, society. You don't belong. 

Why would you? Or how could you? You're a loner, you know the perfection of falling down, you know the beauty of sadness, the pain of the rising sun, and actually all the missery connected to your gorgeous lonely life. 

You wake up alone to see the wide light which hurts deep inside while all you want to do is to hide under your blanket. But your bed hates you, and throws you down. You crawl in the narrow streets of your vivid thoughts. 

How can someone belong with so many fears deep inside? Struggling with the words, ideas, steps.You live your life with so much fear. You are afraid to tell your own opinion and you're afraid to see your friends while you love them. The art of not belonging taught you how to keep yourself away from everyone. Just saying 'they are all better off without me'. Maybe because your afraid of them missunderstandig you, or maybe you just feel like you drag them down with yourself. 

No one will notice that you need a helping hand, no one will care, no one will give attention, no one will love. Simply because you do not fit in. You can't fit in anywhere. You may chase your precious dream of running away, mostly from your problems but why would that make any difference? You won't belong.. neither here, nor in an other country. You won't be understood. You can't control it. You're just charged to live your life as a one type- spice. 

Tears and tears over and over again till you find your great peace in sleep. But you always wake up to the nightmare. Life changed its style. It tortures you day time and leaves you with beauty dreams nightly. Does that mean anything? Anyways you don't make sense. If you count well you probably have a lot more psychological illnesses then you think. 

Breaking down is always the easiest way. It's a real shame, but it's cool. You wonder if it makes any sense to change or to try? For whom or for what? No one would loose sleep if you won't be here tomorrow. They'd just loose some fights which they held with you. Big loss anyways. 

 You hate this world. You hate everything and everyone. You're screaming inside, screaming at your best friend, confessing love to a guy who won't ever feel anything for you, crying to yourself. Because you can't belong and this tore you awesomely apart. You want to be part of something, important for someone. 

You never wanted fame, never wanted popularity nor sameness. But now all your wish is to be just as everyone else. You want true love, you want friends, you want discussions, you want family, you want care, hope, help, You want to talk freely without thinking what others think. Just to be a simple person who DOES belong. 

Why is that important? Well try for just a few days how is when you struggle when being around people, try crying every day, try to hate the sunset, try to feel down when you suppose to have fun, try to hide deep inside all that's inside of you, try to be lonely. And i bet you understand what i might try to say. 

Pictures roll in front of you. Circles around your eyes. Hurts, it hurts all your eyes, because the make up which you put on just flew into your eyes when the tears started running. The emotions vanish away. Your pain is just the same. You're tired. tired of all the hurt inside. Yet you can't tell anyone. Maybe you don't even understand yourself. You're confused. You feel so lost and empty . How could you belong ?

Smiling Illusions

Fantasy, the loving art of crippled images which show up to be illusions of everyday life. Starts as a thought and turns to be a tearjerking, soul killing movie. And yet everything is the same. You don't move, you don't say, you only live it and feel it.

And slowly these emotion rays try to shine across your life. You start  the fantasy, you turn on the light.

Suddenly the crimson pain vanishes away in his crystal blue eyes. The perfection of beauty standing right before you. This perfection reflects out from the home of his personality; from his heart and soul.

You can't help the feeling, you need it. It get's almost unberable to just look at his gentle presence. Suddenly you want his hands on your shoulders. The moment when he touches you gets into history. A shaking memory. Your skin is filled with blood, your breath stops for a second and you get in an euphoric state, just staying unmoved.

As he steps closer, your frozen blood seems to blow up your veins, runs like a hot flow in them. You want more, you get more. He comes really close, stays as human perfection, as angel of love right in front of you. The sparkling eyes stare deep into your windows of loneliness. His breath spreads peace all over you. His scent lovely touches your nose, the magic of the fragrance is misterious. You feel like on an other world. You are no longer yourself. You are lead by the warming way of your emotions. His voice...he whispers some lightly amazing words. As is flows in your ears it seems like a slow heavy metal song. It leads you, leads you closer, right in his caring and safe hug. that's such an amazing moment. You totally turn to be vulnerable, you loose control. He knows you, by just touching you feels how small, how innocent and loveless sweet girl you are. Without asking for permission, without talking, he uses the language of the heart. You just put your head on his shoulder, you can hear the clinging sound of your crashing crystal earring. That moment is purity, that moment is fragile. As you feel him close enough, you grab him with both your hands and just start raining. The warm, salty tears run down on your child scared face like diamonds.He feels the harmony between the two of you. darkness falls on the two of you when electricity wents out. The light of the Moon shines on your faces. The water bubble shines as crashing to his back from your face. You feel blessed and loved truly. Not wanted for sex, not taken advantage of. He gently moves your hand down from his back. Takes them in his soft palm. Your fingers cross his. You start to smile, your eyes show a deep path. He stares deep into them as he did before. Put on of your hands on his hip, then slowly moves his hand in your hair. Your soft, curly hair wawes to your shoulder.

In silent tension your waiting for his next miracle. This chain of patient and love is what heals your open sore: loneliness. He walks away a little. You feel desperate, like you'd loose him forever. He takes a CD. Turns on the song: Skillet: Whispers in the dark.  You feel like loosing track. He comes back with secure small steps. Kisses you, easily, teaching and calm. You feel so nervous, the butterflies from your stomach want to fly out. You really fall into his safe arms. The gentle touches, the warm hugs, the melodic voice, the caring heart is almost unbelievable.

Whispers lead your moves. darkness still surrounds you, the music entertains your soul. He sees how sleepy you are. Takes you close to the sofa, without asking : you lay down, put your head on the puffy soft pillow. he kisses your head, touches your neck, starts to move his hands down on your pale skin. You slowly fall asleep, when you're almost asleep he turns off the laptop, puts on you the blancket and looks at his innocent sleeping angel. He can't get out of the magic of the view. Guards his angel's sleep all night making sure she's loved and safe.

Too bad you still wonder where he's emotions, actions and face vanished away. Reality took him from you, and now you feel like loosing part of your soul. You're again alone, as always.

Each daydream, each illusion, each scent, each melodic sound of your images kill you a little abd a little inside.

Innocence of breaking down

Dear, I see you stading all alone in the middle of a huge crowd. They all look at you, but neither of them is able to support you for more then 5 minutes. After listening to your painful tears they leave in hurry. Maybe because of this hetic lifestyle, but most probably because they think you are wothless..

They just pas away. You're crying, you're a small child who lost her momy, and misses her a lot. You're all alone and no one loves you. You're so small, they are so huge besides you, then go on and on around you each day. Circles never end. You just stay there...wondering will even anyone help you, will someone take you home? Will someone give you your lost happiness. Well the sky turns grey, then darkness falls around you, no matter how the weather is, no matter if the birds sing or not, no matter if people buy newspapers you still stay the same. And you're missery only incrases all around you. After a while you realize that momy never was there for you. You never had a hug , a heart to heart talk. Never had anyone on your side. So that's how you know what responsability is and how to be mature, too mature for your age when others are holding their teddis, find their kinder garden sweethearts.
Everything turn to grey when you look trough your tears. People around you.. they all pass away, hurry for something, loose all dreams, loose their lifes, become trendy and that's how they become as all the others around them. Without any care for others.

Could someone give you back your little teddy, could someone just hug you for once, just to feel loved and feel that life can be better, cause you're not alone. A siimple hug instead of judgement, aa simple kiss on your cheeks instead of making you loose all self confidence. You're so insecure, feeling insignificant, and still hoping.. for a better tomorrow which shall never show up.

My child you shall go to sleep by now, let the cold of night weep away all your tears, let you seem like a perfect, lovely sleeping angel. Let the pain turn to blessing trough your dreams. And dream of love, care and hope which marks your trail in life.

What kind of love - Avantasia

just a song

Looking for some peace

Lately you feel too much down. But you can't help it. This place started to be your hiding place from the depression around you, from the things people feel. You wanted to make them see the advices you give, now it turned to be hell's gate. And again you come to spread your sparkling pain.

The castel you built up, so easily, so full of hope, with pure passion now is falling appart. Easily but really quickly. And leaves your heart an open sore. And you love to watch that picture. The picture of the fading life. The picture of your own deep unclearness.
The castel used to be a place where you belongt. That's past of course. Now you're all down , deep digged in the path of darkness. And for everyone's strange eyes you seem to enjoy it like hell. You enjoy every moment of pure sanity, of perfect pain.

The pain as always just runs trough your vains. You slowly try to do everything to wash away your thoughts. They seem far from your head. now you don't want to change miracously all your life. You get selfish deep down and you just want to kill your heart even more. If we talk about pain.. let it be just wonderful, crimson and passionate.

It's like self harm. And as long as you feel deadly afraid of cutting, hurting or suicide you just make you fall to pieces. These pieces will only be put together when the sun is going to burn again. So equal to nothing.
Music is playing in your mind on and on... each song you hear kind of kills a little part of you. Some for not having something , others for having it. Deep inside your wounded heart. Emotionally attached to pain. What a pleasure. To make all darkness come around and collect all your fears. To wipe away all your blood. To make you see the falling. You only love to make yourself feel all the misery. When you start to feel the effect you feel horrible.

The effect is amazing. You’re in affinity with the dark, mysterious loneliness. With the master of hurts, the PAIN. Oh, now you feel like killing everything around even more. And you can do it. Cause no one can see you. No one ever cares. So why would things be different ever.

You feel like enjoying your own torture. Now that you harmed your life so hard you feel proud. Sad but true, cause there is nothing you could be proud of.You can’t stop the hurt. Like blood is running trough all your body, from the fingers to the toes. The warm crystal tears run down again. OH, how you love them. The salty taste of them, the clear which they bring by washing away all the fog from your eyes. The deep nothingness along you. The lonely life painted with broken hearts.

And you’re all alone. As always. And even if you feel like this, you still need a way out. But you don’t speak out. You just leave it that way. You just want it all to end. You got fed up. And I see, I see your heart, soul, and pain. And you feel like screaming, and tears come to your eyes cause you can’t get out a sound. You suffer all alone in the silence my angel. The angel of purity and innocence who fallen in mud.

If anyone could come and wash away your pain. If they could clear all your sins away ... they’d make you perfect and beautiful. Candles burn slowly, they are waiting for you to kill them. But you still stay there and silently die near them.

In a way i understand why you kill yourself so much inside. I understand how is to make yourself bleed in order to feel something. To feel so down, under the hell’s gates just not to feel numb.

You’re afraid of loosing yourself. Darling wake up from the nightmare. You already did loose yourself. Please say you can do it. But you just hang there all alone... dieing.. and you don’t feel like ever waking up.

Shrivelling Rose

Cold blood is running trough your veins. Totally opposite of the passionate warm almost burning pain you feel. How can two so deep things be so different from each other. You say it’s unfair. Darling you are right. This life , which is painted by watercolours and was washed away. And still remained around you the darkness of your soul. The black of the darkness surrounded the lights and now swallowed them all. Of course , you wonder how was that possible. You seem to get even more confused. You know what, that’s the point of it. Explaining something which should help, just makes you even more fallen in the land of nowhere.

But let’s see forward. Let’s draw the lines of the shining pain of your life. You look in the mirror. What you see it’s damn scary. A ghost with broken soul. And sadly no matter how hard you try you still couldn’t learn to fly with your golden broken wings. And you struggle , struggle with each memory lane, with each subconscious thought . Your mind is driving you crazy. You can’t step out of the world of your depressing mind.

You slowly start to hear a melody , calming sound from far. But it’s like an endless circle. It starts over and over again. The calming sound as you wait turns to loud bothering drum beating. Well, believe it or not, that’s your cold blood’s sound while beating in you half dead , half alive heart. The beating gets louder and louder, your heart is so beating so hard that it almost jumps out of your chest.

You can hardly breath. Again, this bright night is different then the others, but you can’t help feeling like this. You fall even more down each time you try to catch my hand. I shout your name, and get no answer. Just a matter of time till I hear your tearjearking scream. You really are falling and you can’t reduce speed. I finally hear as your heavy dark tears hit the ground. It’s so scary to see you that way.

You probably wonder what I think now. But to be honest I know everything. I see and feel what you feel, I hear your thoughts in my ears, my head is blowing up from just looking at you. And you , you’re still alive having all those breathtaking memories, outstanding cries.

You can’t see me, I’m your guardian angle’s soul’s shadow. I collect your tears , turn them to diamonds, and keep them for the day when I can sell them and buy happiness of their price. I’m so sober when I see you this way, but I fly around you, I keep you in my wings. If you fall down I’ll always stay on the edge of your heart telling you there is still life, even when the dark smoke is going down on you. He sent me to protect you, and I shall never give up on you. I love you. You’re my shrivelling flower and i’m going to turn you to my crimson clothed rose.

Some lyric quotes i love

'When all we see is misery Will you still believe in me ?'
- Hammerfall -Dreams come true


'Dreams are my saviors, save me now
'Cos I know I'm falling'
-Bullet For My Valentine- Road to Nowhere


'There is more that meets the eyes,
I see the soul that is inside'
-Avril Lavigne-Sk8ter Boy


'Candles burn slowly, Flame shines so brightly
Light in the darkness, Save me from madness again'
-Bullet For My Vallentine-Road to Nowhere


'You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses'
-Skillet- Whispers in the Dark


'If you give me your hand
I'll help you hold on'
-Skillet- Last Night


'This is the last night you'll spend alone ,
look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be'
-Skillet- Last Night


'Strange how mind changes time and time again.
Things once important now pale to comparison.'
-Queensryche- Hand on heart


'Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight'
-Sarah Mclachlan - Angel

Perfection of falling down

It seemed to be an ok evening after a lot of mess behind you. Nothing seemed to crash your optimism. But suddelnly as you look around, as you see the people, as you listen to the voices, suddenly you get to the point to realize that you're all alone in a crowd of strangers. People you once knew today seem to be you're farest aquaintances, maybe people you never actually saw, just heared about them, things which might be true, but might be also fals.


You see a sea of pale faces, narrow word streets comming torwards you, but you can't let them in, you can't pay attention, you can't think of any of them, you can't listen, you can't even see :some strangers might be talking. The only thing you feel that the deep blue loneliness seems to get darker and darker in your eyes. Next moment you feel the river is comming to run wet, you feel that the tears of the passionate pain which you feel inside suddenly come to run down on your cheeks.


You don't need to fear.. no one is going to notice it, they never did, why would they now? But your ironic shyness is not on your side, it never was . You start to feel afraid, unsafely anxious. You want to escape from this world of illusions, fake people and never mentioned realities. You can't decide what to do, you're turning crimson red , still not noticed by anyone. Everything is fading into darkness around you, the lights turn down, but just before your wet eyes, you can barely take the picture in front of them, you have to close them, you can't help your strong reaction of closing them. But that won't help, you just come to realize that reality overcomes you even more : You're living a lie.


You're so angry, you don't know if you want to be noticed or not, you just want to feel better but it seems equal to impossible. You can't help being more and more afraid. The dark of the loneliness and mess around you makes you wnat to hide, makes you want to run away nowhere but far from your toughts and feelings. Emotions which seem to be killed for ages, but still have passionate effect on you present moments.


You start to feel hilarious... How the hell nobody, but nobody can't see the pain inside you, the sorrow in your eyes, the marks of shame on your face? Is that so hidden, or are you so insignificant? Can't they just look at you only for a second?
You get frustrated... you don't want to look at them anymore, they are just gosths from the road to hell which you were guided on. Even worse , they are dead gosths ... you are one of those people they have to guide... GUIDE? They do nothing, they make you struggle in the middle of nowhere, wanting to hit you with hidden words, untold secrets . They make you fail between the known and the unknown, there's no way back, no way forward.


You start to feel like you're fading away, you ran out, you slam the door behind you with the hars tought of never openning it again. As you get out you start to swallow the air. The smell of wet , cold night seems to give you some peace between your toughts of pain. Maybe in this moment the painfull toughts run trough your body and mark each part of it.


You feel ok ,' cause you're out of the fake reality.. but you can't stop your barin's work. It gives you memories about your loneliness, about your beautiful struggle.. about the the glorious emptiness you feel inside. You are bleeding.. but no one can see it.. crying overcomes you the same harmonic way as it used to.
You don't believe in anything right now.. neither in your dreams, nor in you. You as person , you're the best friend and the biggest enemy of yourself.
You just wonder lonely as a cloud, and you feel like dieing, when the grey clouds crash into each other they burst.. you're such a shame that you burst alone.. and give the neverendless rain.


You'd like to feel nothing. Funny that you're empty all nside, but you hate how much you can feel. And the worst thing ever, which kills your soul, breakes your black wings is that you wander all LONELY.


Sitting down at the edge of something much too deep makes you see that nothing can kill your soul, it is already killed. And the angel of white lands won't ever reach your hand..you are not angry anymore.. the crimson blood of your emotions has been flowing away.. down the deep nothingness inside of you.


Now you just love to stare at the perfect teardrops from your dark eyes, which seem to have no voice at all when crashing with the deepness.


Everything feels the same, so does you.. right now you feel exhausted to run away.. you just wait for something to happen but nothing will broke the deep, suffocating dark of the night.. loneliness is on your side

In my darkest hours

"To Where The Skies Are Blue" by Deadlock, album Wolves.



lyric:
Sun goes down once again
While I sit here and feel the tears
Running down my cheeks
No I am not afraid of the dark
But the darker it gets
The more I realize
That there is no one to depend on
No one to believe in

And so I wait to die here all alone (all alone)
Like the daylight dies while it is fading away (fading away)
Because nobody knows for sure that the sun will burn
Through that cold night once more
Through that cold night once more

To where the skies are blue

So I pray for someone
To come and make my life seem like
It's still worth livin' it
So I pray for you to come

And so I wait to die here all alone (all alone)
Like the daylight dies while it is fading away (fading away)
Because nobody knows for sure that the sun will burn
Through that cold night once more
Through that cold night once more

But still the hardest things to say
Are the words that I mean the most
Come on angel, say that you
Love me and nothing in this
World will ever scare me again
Take me to where the skies are blue, always blue, always blue

And so I wait to die here all alone
Like the daylight dies while it is fading away
Because nobody knows for sure that the sun will burn
Through that cold night once more

The main idea of the song is not suicide.. but waiting till the end.. till death...
it's sad because even if death comes when you're 70 you'll still be alone..
'take me to where the skies are blue'- is a wonderful song , about real , true feelings of lonely people.. of people who can't take loneliness easy.. for those you have no one to depend on
music can be a great consolation and can help each of us express our hidden feelings .

Beauty of sadness

I sit here in silence. Everything seems so peaceful, nothing seems to disturb my deep loneliness. My tears run down fast on my cheeks, they taste salty. There is no sound.. just the crash of my tear drops on the floor. Soon it turns to be a small splash. It's like a rain in which you are all alone, the streets are empty, there isn't a soul, everything feels like time stopped. I start to see why i feel, i close my eyes, and my heart and soul reflects me a picture. Picture of my inner world. Picture of this crimson pain. Pain which can't be seen from outside.. but it can be surely felt from inside. It's night, the big Moon is giving me light, it's guiding me in this place of broken dreams. I start to wander on my heart's narrow streets. It's a long cubbled street..and it seems endless. It is empty, lonely. The coulds are covering the sky above me, and they wash away all the sunshine. This place seems peaceful. How can't it be?! It is so empty. I finally see a corner, as i trun this corner i notice that the rain is not fast anymore, in fact real slow. The corner shows me finally a house. A small one, as I pass by I look in, what I see? Better wouldn't even look in.. i see a family, driffted apart. A mom with cries in her eyes. A dad full of anger, and a daughter full of sadness hiden all inside. I just wonder what they might feel.. and slowly realize that i passed in the small house of my soul dedicated to my family. I wonder what made me change this town so much. There was a time when it was a cool place, with sunny streets and houses with flower gardens and people.. all cheerful and noisy. Now.. that things changed so much, my town feels like dieing. It's lost, and the silence just kills me even more. I pass away near the house and while the rain starts to fall again fast i can barely see in what direction i'm going. I wander for ages till i get to see a girl and a man. They seem to be ok, they walk near each other, i come from back. When they hear my footsteps they turn to me, i see tears in her eyes, and the man looks emotionless. The girl passes near me.. without even saying bye she leaves and they choose different ways. The girl runs away, the man goes to meet a woman, he seems to feel so ok. I go after the girl and ask her who was the person , she only replies my dad disappointed me. I feel embrased. I wish i could help her, help her go away from this place. I wander and wander but there seems to be no way out. Endless road.. in the world of nowhere. I find the key, i come out and lock the door. My tears turned to a big splash. I feel scared, scared of life and scared of death. I saw life and i saw the road to hell. And all that inside me. Inside the most clear and innocent place of a body. I feel like falling, everything around me is loosing their shape, i feel afraid of tomorrow, of the next day..but i feel afraid of this emptiness.I feel that it's inside. I want to scream, but no matter how hard i try i can't be heared. My aquintances are passing by and they don't even notice i'm suffering.. But slowly i feel peace.. peace enough to sleep.. slowly i fall asleep.. and then i finally feel ok, my dreams lead me to a wonderland, where i can feel love, care ,understanding and joy...things i don't have in reality. Beauty of sadness.. the long walk in my soul, the pain inside.. I'm falling apart

my dear friend

So I can see that i haven't wrote for more than 5 months.... shame on me :)
Ok.. i give up for the moment to change or help the world... i wish to present one of my friends....
Her name is Loneliness :)
She is always near me.... i can't get rid of her .. she always comes and leaves.. she thinks she caught my soul and she controls my life... who knows maybe she is right !!!
It's like a step sister who wants to bother you all along.. She really enjoys making me cry or making me nervous... She wakes me up in the night and tries to take my dreams away...
the only person who she can't fight with are my dreams... They keep me alive, cause if i would let with her on my own i'm sure she would try to kill me :(
sometimes things happen but we don't really know why.. confusion is in my empty soul... love, hate ,hope, loneliness they are all living in my soul.. but they all seem weak to win above the other ones........ They only show me how to be hurt inside
But i promised myself that one day i He will kill her.. and that He should come soon to save me from myself and from her .. He will surely come :)